Happy Birthday, Bryan!

Bryan's birthday was definitely one to remember. I don't think I will ever forget this day--not for the rest of my life. Since his birthday, my mind often reverts back to the moment before my injury and my mind wills the experience to be different--the outcome to be different. However, as I return to reality, I know that the outcome isn't different, and that my reality is what it is. This day has given a lot of growth and perspective, and I am learning to be grateful for each new step of growth.

Journal Entry: On February 9 (Bryan's birthday) I crashed while skiing and tore my ACL and partially tore my Miniscus. After I fell, I wanted so badly to keep going because it was Bryan's birthday. I kept telling him I was OK, and that I could keep skiing. He kept insisting that I looked hurt and needed to stop. In an effort to show me how hurt I was, Bryan started filming my skiing and pointing out that I was only skiing to one side. I finally listened to his protests when I felt completely out of control on the mountain. Later that day, we went to the doctor, which then resulted in many tests and finally surgery last Wednesday. Since surgery, I have continued to try to accomplish life while my family insists on me relaxing. Again, Bryan filmed me in an effort to convince me to slowdown.Slowing down isn't a thing I do well; however through this whole process, I have felt a huge sense of gratitude. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for all the blessings He is sending me through this experience. I am humbled at the love He is offering to me and my family--the atonement is real. As I have struggled, I have prayed for the enabling power of the atonement; my prayers have been answered through peace, through friends, and through family. I feel a great sense of gratitude to many others who I am sure are acting on His behalf. Gratitude to my family for helping in every way possible, and for trying to do everything before I have had the chance to do so. Gratitude for friends who have carried my family while I have been unable to do so. Gratitude to my extended family for coming long distances in order to help. And gratitude that my children are gaining a bit more independence as they no longer have a mom to do everything for them. This life is full of challenges. It's how we endure those challenges that makes all the difference, and although there are times I want to cry for my lack thereof... I am also praying to see the silver lining, which gives me a great sense of gratitude and it helps me endure it well. 

Journal Entry: It has now been 6 months since my accident. I am still waiting for the "thumbs up" to be able to run. I feel dormant. I feel lazy. I feel sometimes like life is passing me by while I sit on the sidelines waiting to join in. In my mind, I think of my daughter's soccer games. There are times when she is out playing the game, and then there are times when she is sitting on the sidelines anxiously waiting to be put back into the game. I feel like I am my daughter waiting to be put back into the game; however, the game keeps passing me by. If I am not careful, these thoughts can bring my soul down. They can open the door to depression. Somehow I know this in my mind, and so I begin to take part in what I can take part in--the fight against being overwhelmed by my helplessness. Some days I do well. Other days I don't. However, because I know that the Savior knows all, and has felt all--I have no doubt that He can see me through. And so, each day I wake up, I read my scriptures, and I pray for His power to continue to attend to me. President Ezra Taft Benson once said, "Some of the greatest battles will be fought within the silent chambers of your owns soul." This quote holds true for me today. I am fighting, and I am fighting hard.

Life truly is full of challenges. Right now I am unable to be the active person I want to be, but if I look closer there are things blossoming within me that creates a great feeling of gratitude. I am grateful to have so much empathy for those who struggle with physical inabilities. Had I not experienced this myself--I would have had great sympathy--but I would never feel the empathy I do now. I understand how difficult it is to feel "left out of the game of life". I understand the mental battle of continuing the fight. I understand the physical battle of becoming stronger. And I understand that setbacks can be hard. And perhaps--the greatest lesson of all--I've learned that through any trial, faith is the key. Faith to trust in God. Faith to keep going. Faith in believing in better days to come. 

Journal Entry: My knee still doesn't have extension. I am 6 months from surgery. Most people get extension at 6 weeks. I have done all that I can on my end. My knee still has pain. Great pain. I continue to fight within myself. With that being said, I know that my fight is not alone. Jesus Christ is with me. He carries me through the frustration and leaves me with hope. 

I am getting a second opinion for my knee. There is a possibility of surgery again. My mind can't go there. I won't even let it entertain that thought. I will only entertain it, if I am given no other option. For now, I will remain positive. I will keep working. And I will trust that all will be well. That's faith. And I have faith.

Skiing with my honey. My favorite activity of all time.

When Bryan and I got married, he made one request--"Please never give me 'pink heart cake' for my birthday." --he was joking (somewhat), but it seemed like an easy request. Bryan's birthday celebration had always been shared with his younger sister whose birthday was only 3 days prior to Bryan's. And thus, Bryan had had several "pink heart cakes".  When he made his request, I couldn't even imagine when "a pink heart cake" would ever be an issue. Five years later we were blessed with a little girl whose birthday just happened to be 2 days prior to Bryan's. Still, for twelve years, I always made two separate cakes. Always. Not even a question. This year, Bryan's parents visited on the 8th (one day prior to Bryan's birthday and a day after Amber's), and they brought a "pink heart cake". My intention was to give away the leftovers, and make a cake after Bryan and I went skiing the following day; however, I fell on the ski hill, and my afternoon ended up being full with doctors appointments. When evening arrived, the only cake to offer Bryan was a "pink heart cake". I was so sad. It's ridiculous to cry over a cake, but I did. I could barely walk, and yet--I cried over a cake. Bryan laughed. He didn't care. But I cared. I really really cared. The thing is: I had an expectation for myself that I had to let go, and I don't think I was ready to let it go. This past year--since my accident--I have had to put expectations aside, and be okay with whatever I simply can accomplish. It's been a long road, but a journey well worth it! I am grateful for the opportunity I have had to slow down. When I am all better--I hope to continue to carry this lesson. I hope to fill my days with the things that matter most. I hope to pay less attention to the insignificant "pink heart cake" moments, and be grateful for the blessings that surround me.