Back To School

BACK TO SCHOOL...

This is always the hardest day for me. I really love summer. Not because I love the heat (although that helps), but because I LOVE having my kids home. The first day of school is a dreaded day at our house. I try to put on a brave face for my kids, but they all know that mom is sad. In fact, I think my sadness adds to their overall self-worth. On every "first day of school", I feel my kid's eyes searching my face. It's almost as if they want to see me cry--not because they want me to be sad, but because it makes them feel special--it makes them feel loved. I do my best to show forth a brave front, and I think I do a pretty good job of it. Sometimes I even get away without a single tear. It wasn't until two years ago that I realized that my "brave front" wasn't always what my children wanted. On that particular "first day of school", I held it in all morning. I was sure I was going to make a clean getaway without a single tear; however, as I was hugging my sweet Amber good-bye, my voice cracked. To my surprise, Amber jumped up in the air while pumping both fists, exclaiming, "I knew you were going to miss me. I knew you loved me". Since that "first day of school" two years ago, I haven't tried to hide my tears as much. However, I still put on a brave face, and I smile (even with tears). I make promises of many happy memories, and I express my excitement for their new adventure.This year I was feeling okay as I sent my kid's off for another year of excitement. I shed a few tears the night previous to school when my husband gave each of us (including me) a priesthood blessing. However, I didn't cry as I kissed them good-bye. I felt reassured. I felt confident. I was still aching at their absence, but I was ready to face my reality... As soon as I got home, I received a text message from my husband. He was sweetly checking in on me. Again, I affirmed to him, and mentally to myself that all was well. He didn't quite believe me, and he convinced me to meet him for lunch (it wasn't too hard to convince me). As I was sitting across the table from my husband, eating my fries, I looked up to see two beautiful little girls playing with their mommy. My "mom heart" ached. Immediately my eyes filled with tears, and all of my sorrows of the first day of school came rushing to the surface. My husband chuckled as he wiped away my tears, and as I exclaimed sadness that our kids were indeed growing up...and, why we couldn't have more... 
Although I had a few moments this year. I also had a few "wins". This year on the way to school, we were doing our traditional "favorite scripture" routine when my sweet daughter accidentally placed my name in the scripture. We were reciting Moroni 10:32, "Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love____"--it should say God here; however, my daughter accidentally said Mom. It was so sweet. I felt reassured that she was missing me, and I was missing her back. We had a good laugh and a memory was formed.Another "win" happened when Jacob told me that he told his teacher he was missing his mom to which she explained that that was okay for a Kindergartner, but Second Graders are bigger than that. At first I was a bit sad at his teacher's explanation; however, I am now grateful for her comment. It gave me an opportunity to teach my little boy, and we made a a secret pact. We promised each other that it was okay to miss one another, but that we didn't have to tell his teacher. It could be our secret. We talked about how I'm old, and how I even still miss my mom sometimes. We talked about how it was what we did with that "missing" that counted. How it wasn't okay to mope and be sad, but if when he thought of missing me, and then did his best, (because he knew that is what I would want)--then it was a good thing.And so, another year begins...